Sometimes I keep people in my life because I don’t want to hurt feelings or create any unnecessary drama. I know what it’s like to be cut off and ghosted by someone who you thought was supposed to be there. I know how crappy it feels to know your messages aren’t being delivered or that Snapchat arrow is gray with the dreaded words “pending.” It’s not a fun place to be. Because of my keen awareness to such pain, I also don’t want to inflict that on anyone else. I do not want to be the reason anyone cries themself to sleep that night, because Lord knows I’ve already done that too many times.
This all seems very dramatic, and, fair, I’ll give you that. As many adults (read parents) like to remind us young people, it’s a lot different growing up now that it was back then.
People in my generation (give or take a few years) grew up in a time where social media was everything. Everyone seemed to change their Instagram profile from being overly filtered, grainy photos to perfect images capturing the perfect moment. There was a sense of shame for being late to that game. And we continue to exist in the mindset that everything in life has to be perfect, or at least that’s what our Instagrams show.
But, I think we all know that our lives are not all rainbows and unicorns. We have really hard days. We have really bad acne break outs. We have coffee stains on our favorite shirts. But who gets to see that? Probably our closest, least-likely-to-blackmail best friends and maybe our family. (Emphasis on the maybe)
For so long, I have operated in a headspace that required perfection, holding myself to really high standards. But guess what? I am not perfect. I am not perfect. I. Am. Not. Perfect. I fail. Still to this very day, I am my own worst critic. The second my head hits my pillow at night or the very early morning, I often replay the day’s events, only focusing on the areas I failed or could’ve (should’ve) done better. There is simply no level of tired that stops that tape.
This is also why I haven’t posted in so long. I haven’t felt like I had the correct and perfect words to write here. I lost my confidence in my voice.
It’s in these moments and during my daily affirmations that I remind myself that I will never be perfect. Dark, I know. I tell myself that I will do my best that day, and that is good enough. I woke up that morning loved, and there is nothing else that is expected of me by me, by others, by god who could change my beloved-ness.
My exact affirmation reads: My worth or value is not based on what I do, what I don’t do, who I please, or who I disappoint.
This is something that my spiritual/life coach has helped me unpack. They encourage me to really dig into my worries, fears, and general emotions. They tell me that everything I need is already within me. They remind me of my inherent worth not based on my personality, follow counts, etc. I am me. That is enough. There are no words spoken by anyone who could change that.
I feel like I might have left some loose ends here. Yes, I am still my own worst critic. (I wish you could listen in on my inner monologue while writing this) despite this though, I am actively changing the narrative that I am telling myself, reminding myself of the truth, of the love, and of the strength already within me. Changing the narrative is how I’m saving myself from constant perfectionism and other non-fruitful areas in my life.
You don’t have to be perfect to experience any growth. You just simply have to be willing to take the first step. And continue to choose stepping forward even when the path seems lost. A close friend told me about what she loves about the labyrinth and how it encourages to continue forward not knowing the full journey. She said simply, it is solved in the walking. I hold onto that daily as I continue walking, not knowing where I’ll land.